A Closer Look At Life

REAL TALK WITH MT. KENYA

From my terrace I’m starring into the vast Kikuyu lands and right into the eyes of Mt. Kenya. No doubt, this mountain is sacred. Through the songs of birds I hear the drums of a neighboring workship ceremony. I can’t help but hold on for a moment and – in awe of all the beauty around me – to appreciate for this life that allows me to be here, to belong here and to create here.

It’s the 27^th of September. I never consciously looked for this date but if it happens to cross my awareness I always smile and get into a deeper state of appreciating my path. It was 27^th of September 2012 when I left to Kenya for the first time. 18 years old, no clue, but a strong longing. I’m still proud of her.

It was 27^th of September 3 years later, when I left to Italy, to live and study there without speaking the language and in the middle of a devastating breakup. A longing had pulled me there. I came back glowing.

It was 27^th of September another 5 years later, when I left to Kenya for the 5^th time. This time following an inner fire that I didn’t understand at that time – and I’d say, it saved my life. I never returned since then.

Today’s date makes me smile and it automatically brings me back to all the versions of me that listened to all the different longings and knowings, shaping the life I’m looking at today.

And what looked like “running away” for most people from the outside was more a “running towards” something for me. A longing, a knowing, a deep pull that called for challenge, but challenge with a safety promise. A promise that, after ripping my “comfort” apart, would piece me back together, building someone more close to who I always longed to be. Healing was never a concept, it was experience.

Why am I telling you this?

The first reason is VERY simple and yet one of the most precious to me. I wish to remind you: Trust your longing. It knows something you really want to live to remember in this lifetime. Healing happens, with or without your understanding. As long as you trust the longing within.

The second reason seems more complex. So let me first take you on this route:

By The Age Of 18 I had started my own Fundraising Campaign and built a school through it.

Before Turning 20 I had opened a non-commercial art house project for creatives, running over 52 full-house events in 1 year, connecting hundreds of creatives of all walks of life.

Before Turning 28 I had founded a network of 30 East African Pioneers, Creatives, Community-Leaders and Indigenous Guardians exploring Practices of Connection.

Before Turning 30 I had shifted my home to a Kenyan village that had named me “Njoki” 12 years before. (Njoki = “The one who leaves, and comes back.”)

Before Turning 32 I taught myself on regenerating farming practices and transformed a 1,5 acre land from desert to oasis.

Before Turning 33 I started an Eco-Business that 6 months later employs 4 people and empowers a whole village.

C'mon Jana, showing off time? Yes and No. Yes, because days like these invite me to look back and count my blessings.

And no, because I could continue the list like this:

Before the age of 20 I had gone to more than 5 different alternative therapists, trying to heal my health imbalances.

Before reaching 30 I hadn’t experienced a single week in 10 years without severe pain. Before reaching 32 my gut gave in and my liver almost collapsed.

The days without worries and deep anxiety in the past 3 years can be counted with one hand.

The days of feeling true joy about my creations, their impact and the people connected to them used to be so view that I could remember every single one of them for years - until just a view months ago.

So, now what’s the point of all this?

The point is:

I’m about to turn 33. It took me almost 32 years to actually sit here, look at my life, myself and my creations and say: It’s enough. It’s good. It took me over 30 years to actually feel, that I no longer need to prove, run, find, improve.

One could say this is a classic example of a perfectionist with a “never-enough” wound. Maybe. But the thing is: I’ve barely in the past years consciously felt “I’m not enough.” I didn’t judge or compare myself much neither. I was quite satisfied with who I was.

I think the truth goes deeper and the actual pain underneath is this: I definitely trusted myself and my longing’s capability.

BUT I NEVER TRULY TRUSTED LIFE.

I didn’t trust life to create with me and FOR ME, so instead I created FOR IT, sometimes almost “on behalf” of it, so I could be sure I'd get something meaningful out of it.

I didn’t trust to just sit back, relax and enjoy my creations, because deep within something in me believed "life might fail me" and I’d lose my right to exist (and be loved), if I'm not working on the next "big deal".

I didn’t trust enough that life really meant ME, when life gave birth to me. That it really had a “good enough” plan for me beyond my own capability to design, control and “perfect” my life.

So the reminder I’d love to give you today is this:

Life is for you. Follow your longings and remember that you don’t have to do it all by yourself. The force(s) of life are with you. Creating in your favour. Challenging you, throwing you up and catching you. They are doing work for you - a big part of the work. They're connecting dots while you rest. Sending you supportive humans when you need them and longings, when you get lost. Life is for You, since the beginning of human kind, since the beginning of it all.

Accept the offer, let life be you supporting system, a wave carrying you, not a storm you have to "push through".

How deeply do you trust life? How deeply do you trust that it creates in your favour? How often do you think you have to “take over” and do the work a greater force might have forgotten to do for you? How do you carry that heaviness?

Maybe this Sunday gives you an opportunity to hold on. To take a cup of tea, to breathe and to look at your life. To count blessings. To be proud of the versions that made you. And to feel: life has been on your side, throughout. Be calm, be assured, it won’t leave you.

I can’t wait to hear from you about your experiences.

So much love and gratitude from this moment with Mt. Kenya, feeling filled by the knowing that life is a gift I’m learning to trust, lean and dive into. The drums continue beating.

Thanks for being part of the journey.

Jana

PS: My new "Intuitive Garden" weekly meditation is coming soon. For everyone who needs to pause, soften, receive and learn to trust life again (and again)! Stay tuned.